Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Painting a Rainbow, Step-Stone Path.

I want to inhale books and arrange flowers and write poems and paint murals and make up dances and listen to new music and log ideas in a pretty little notebook and try new lipstick colors and rearrange furniture and talk spirituality and cook something amazing and send happy mail to friends and paint a rainbow step stone path all the way up my driveway. Quoted


 This lady hit the nail on the head. When I read this sentence, I knew I had to quote it, and read it a million times over. That is how my heart feels some of the time. The universe takes a hold of my spirit and changes the way I see the world. Sometimes it lasts a long time, sometimes it only shows itself when I am alone, and sometimes it's happens for just a brief moment.

But whether its weeks, minutes, or when I am by myself, it makes me want to dance and sing and write in a journal, and read every single book I own, and tell everyone how much I see the beauty in them.

I just had to write and say that I can feel this phase of creativity coming on. And I couldn't have said what it feels like any better.

Saturday, February 21, 2015


Happy Lent!

It's Lent, the 40 days that people who are connected in the church give up something they enjoy. I never understood the reason for Lent until this year. I was privy to the Ash Wednesday Service at my church. This is the first year the church (any church) has explained it in a way that I understood.

Lent is meant for us to give up something in our lives that drives us away from God and Jesus. Something that temps us, and takes away time from prayer and worship. So, with that in mind, I decided to give up three things. 

Two are SUPER easy, and one is EXTREMELY hard.

I have decided to give up Facebook, Alcohol, and Sweets.

To delve into this a little deeper, I need to give some background.

Facebook: I enjoyed Facebook so much when I first joined. It made sense to have a website to connect with other college students. You had to have a college issued email address to access it, and it seemed like something that started off as a way to meet people at your own school, as well as stay connected with friends who were attending other schools. Now, it's just another MySpace. I never have been that big into it. I have tried to love it, I have tried to use it often, but it always loses its luster for me. The prime example of this, is I do not have my birthday listed on my Facebook. I hate that people write 'Happy Birthday' to me because of a notification. I like when people know because they know me. Now, it is just something I use to waste time. I look at other people, envy what they have, compare myself to them, and don't grow as a person when I use it. So I am using Lent as a way to disconnect from the Facebook world. And I love it. What's nice is, I don't miss one thing about Facebook. I don't miss anything from it at all. And I can use Lent as an excuse not to use it. I have already decided that once Lent is over, I will be deleting my Facebook. *Shock* I couldn't be happier about the decision.

Alcohol: I am not a big drinker. I experimented in college with it, but I didn't ever enjoy it too much. And as I have gotten older, the reasons to drinking have dwindled. Being diabetic, it also is so harsh on my blood sugar and I have a hard enough time with that as it is. I tend to be a social drinker. Having a drink with my friends while we are out to dinner, but I never really enjoying it. So I decided, instead of having anxiety around drinking (I have ALWAYS had anxiety around it), I just wanted to give myself a break. And that was an amazing choice. It also gives people a non-negotiable reason why I am not drinking. It allows them to take Lent as something I am committed to. Instead of, when I decline for no "reason", I am faced with, "why?", "just have one!", "I don't want to drink alone." and all the other things people say. I love it. And I think this is also something I would like to continue after Lent.

Sweets: I am a Type 1 Diabetic. Enough said. So sweets can cause a lot of issues to my blood sugar. Not to mention the fact that I LOVE sweets. Instead of keeping it so vague, I decided to narrow it down to a list of things I count in that. Everything else is okay. Included in sweets are: anything that is served primarily as a dessert.. cake, cupcakes, brownies, cookies, rice crispy treats, candy, ice cream, pie, etc. And I should tell you, it was the best decision I ever made. I think that this may be something that I continue after Lent as well. It forces me to enjoy other foods, and other experiences, rather than eating, and not only eating, but eating sugar. That causes my blood sugar to go up, and with that, I tend to be forced deal with the highs. A vicious cycle that I am trying to nip in the bud.

As for the reason for Lent, I have been really enjoying these things not being in my life. I may not pray more, and I may not go to church more, but I have noticed that I am living a more Christian life because I don't have to deal with these temptations any more. And I am so happy I chose these things.

Monday, February 16, 2015


I find it so frustrating when I need something done, but I don't have the expertise to do it. And I would love to be able to do it on my own, but I am not equipped to. Relying on someone else is just an annoyance! I want it just to be done.

This is coming from work today. I recently got a new computer at work, yet, none of my network access transferred to my new computer. So I am unable to get any work done because of this. And if I knew how to get my access, I would. But I am not equipped to help myself, so I am stuck relying on our IT department to get it all done for me. So, here I sit, with plenty of work to do, and not way to do it. Sigh....


However, since I have this time, I thought I would take a moment to talk about things that frustrate me. Everyone has them, and its kind of fun to read about what others find frustrating. It helps me bring mine into perspective.

It frustrates me when people don't take other people into consideration. And with feelings aside, just their time. Like, driving to work. If you are late, just accept that you are late. Don't put my life in danger by speeding up and cutting me off, and don't change lanes and weave in and out of traffic. It's not very considerate. Accept that you are late, be late, and deal with the consequences. It's is probably you're own fault anyway.
There are a million other examples of this one, but this is the one that has most recently affected me.

I don't like when there is something that I want to do, something I would love to do, but I don't know how to do it. This one is a little different than the first option, because this is more of a financial or feeling situation. Let me give an example. I am so frustrated with myself that I don't have the guts to pack up and move, or to take out a loan and open my own store, or to adopt a puppy, or to take a trip across the world. I wish that I could do that, but a little something (feeling, voice, intuition, etc.) keeps me at bay.

Its like to post I wrote before on feeling a sense of claustrophobia. That is how I get sometimes because I ache for something new, a new experience, new surroundings, new things, new people, new experiences. 


I am hoping that this will be a reality, or something that I can remedy at least a little bit.

Thank you for listening to my rant.

Happy Monday.

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Get to Know Me: A to Z.

A. Attached or Single?
I am attached.

B. Best Friend?
I have a few, but I think my mom is my most best Best Friend.

C. Cake or Pie?
Both. I love dessert.

D. Day of Choice?
Sundays. Though I don't love the pressure of Monday, I love that you can be lazy on Sundays, you get to go to church, you get chores done, and its also acceptable to be in your pajamas most of the day.

E. Essential Item?
Insulin. Being Type 1 Diabetic and all.

F. Favorite Color?

G. Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms?
Gummy worms.

H. Hometown?
Portland, OR

I. Indulgences?
Reality Television and YouTube Videos. Oh! And cookie dough.

J. January or July?
I can't decide. January is a fresh start, but July is the summer time.

K. Kids?
None as of yet.

L. Life isn't complete without...
Self discovery.

M. Memory you cherish?
Family beach weeks.

N. Number of Brothers and Sisters?
One brother. I call him Bubby.

O. Oranges or Apples?

P. Pet Peeves?
People expecting special treatment for the sake of special treatment.

Q. Quotes?
"He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed." Psalm 107:29

R. Reasons to Smile?
There is always someone out there who wishes their life was as good as yours.

S. Season of Choice?

T. Tea or Coffee?
Neither. Milk or Water.

U. Unknown Fact?
Hmm... I hate chipped nail polish more than holes in my clothes.

V. Vegetable of Choice?

W.Worst Habit?
Picking my cuticles when I am bored or nervous.

X. X-Ray or Ultrasound?
I've had both. Neither for fun reasons.

Y. Your Favorite Trip?
I went on a road trip with my mom and her best friend from Portland to Los Angeles.

Z. Zodiac Sign?

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

North Carolina, Self-Worth, and Adoption on My Heart.

So, I wanted to get a little bit more candid with you all about some things that have been on my heart.

As you may know, or not know, I just recently found the church of my dreams. Having a church that I enjoy so much has pushed me to welcome and discover my faith a little bit more than I had been. When church is a place where you (meaning me) open up and cry each week because you are so moved, that means the Lord is speaking right to you, and you have to listen.

It's so important to grow in you faith. The Universe is a huge and amazing place. There is not way that there isn't something out there that is working towards a greater eternity for you. And this doesn't even have to be the religious kind of spirituality. It can simply be the faith you have in karma, coincidences, The Universe, the greater beyond, or whatever it is that you believe.

We all have a faith walk that we all need to pursue. Last night I watched a video on YouTube about this woman who owns a business and creates YouTube and blog content, and to top it all off, she travels the world with her husband and friends. The video was supposed to be about her clothes and travelling back to visit family, but she talked about something that really inspired me.

She spoke about how you always look and see people on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Blogs, etc. and you think, "Wow. They have a perfect life. They really have it together." Comments like this are ones that I find myself saying much more often that I like to admit. A pang of jealousy sneaks it's way into me, and I can't help but feel like I, somehow, can't compete with them. But there is no competition!

This person I am looking at and comparing myself to, they don't have any idea I am doing it. They are posting things about their life and doing their thing. They could be struggling with things that are so much worse than what you may be dealing with. No one is in the same situation as you, and the only person you are hurting by feeling resentful of someone else is you. You are dulling your own light by wishing you were more like someone else. 

So, with all of this, I would like to get to the topic at hand. Something that has been on my heart for a while now, and something that I feel to be very important. Something that will be the basis of my life doing forward.

Since attending church, I have found this push by God to get some things handled. I have two things that have been very much on my heart lately. And by this, I just mean that I find myself thinking about them a lot, and I find that they come up often enough that I am not in a situation of coincidences.

One of those things is North Carolina. I have always been fascinated with The South, I think it's beautiful (well the pictures I have seen anyway)! It has a plethora of small towns to choose from. When this started sitting on my heart, I didn't think much about it. However, it has now been about three years since it first came into my realm of consciousness and I think it is something that I seriously need to research and consider. 

The second item is adoption. I wrote on one of the blog challenge days about how I was to have zero children or four children. I really like kids, but I know that I would want a ton of them, or to be the aunt to all my friends' children. Finding out that I had Type 1 Diabetes changed the way that I looked at potentially having my own children, and it really has pushed me to consider other options besides having my own.

I know there are a million ways that Type 1 Diabetics can have their own children. Diets, Insulin therapy, getting the pump to help with stabilization, and the list goes on. However, and this is where it is controversial to some people, but I don't want to put myself and my child through something that could permanently damage me or them. There are much higher risks involved with a Type 1 Diabetic pregnancy, and instead of the constant worry just to have my "own" child, I think adoption is the way to go for me. And, why not find a child that is in need of a family? There are so many out there.

Going to church moves me every week. I sit there and cry, and sometimes its to the point that I am sobbing. And because of that, I know there is something turning inside me, there is the Spirit moving through me. I am learning to listen to my heart, and not my head all the time. It's a hard thing to do. Like I spoke about before, it is so easy to get caught up in comparing myself to other people, however, what is important is what He thinks of me, and what I think of myself. No one else's opinions matter, no misconstrued images I have of myself matter. What matters is that I am happy and healthy and that I am following my dreams, And following the feelings of you intuition. 

Those feelings, and those reoccurring coincidences are there to tell you something. So listen up.

Friday, February 6, 2015

Blog Challenge: Thoughts and Feelings.

I have had a little bit of time to let the Blog Challenge sit, and stew. I have reflected on it. And I have found that I enjoyed it so much!

Was I all for it the entire month? No. There were days when I didn't want to post, or days when I looked at the clock and realized I was going to bed without having done my blog post for the day. However, when I look over it, I think there is a lot to be said about a routine, and schedule for a blog. Especially when you are new to blogging. With sporadic posts, it is hard to gain and audience, and though the blog posts didn't really relate to my theme of this blog, I knew that I was giving readers a chance to get to know me.

So, while I am happy it is over, I think I will search for ANOTHER blog challenge to do in the near future. Maybe I will do one a little more open ended. Or maybe I will create my own. The wheels are turning here, to see what I can do for my readers, and for this blog.

Brainstorming is something I never thought I would do for a blog, but I think it is necessary. If I want this to become a habit, something important, and a hobby that I enjoy, I will need content and I will need regularity.

So, overall, I loved to Blog Challenge. LOVED IT! It was definitely a challenge, but all good things are. I am excited to start posting some of the ideas I have.

Welcome to my Blog!

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Challenges in Place.

I have some challenges that I want to set for myself. It always makes things more fun when I am challenged, rather than doing things just for the sake of doing them. Sometimes when there isn't a challenge or motivation behind something, I let it fall to the way-side. There is a lot to be said about "The 30 Day Sugar Detox Challenge", "The 31-Day Blog Challenge", "52 Weeks to Organized Challenge".

This Blog Challenge really opened my eyes to the power of the challenge.

Also, any challenges I set for myself, I will document here which will hold me accountable.

It's just a fun way to work on myself while having that tiny extra kick to keep it going.

So! Without further ado:

The first challenge is I am going to set for myself is to walk on my lunch break at least 4 days a week. I used to walk ALL THE TIME before I was working full-time. I would walk at least two hours a day. It felt great, I slept better, I was much slimmer, I had some stamina. It really felt like I was doing something great for myself. Once I started working, I felt like I never had time. I would wake up at 5:30 am, get ready, go to work, get off at 5:00 pm, go home, have dinner, relax, go to bed. No time.... Except I have just as many hours in the day as every other person in the world. So I started to realize that I could easily go on a walk on my lunch. 45 minutes to an hour. Bring my tennis shoes and just walk around. It gets me out of the office, gets my movement and exercise in, and I'm already in work mode anyway. So I did that this week, to try it out, and I love it. It also gets me out of the office and helps me to clear my head. Plus! Bonus! I get to listen to my audio books which adds to the happy me. I would say this is all around a good challenge for my mind, body, and soul.

The second challenge I am going to set for myself is not stepping onto a scale until my birthday. My birthday is on June 8th. I will be 27 years old. I get so hung up on the number and if it isn't going down every day, I freak out and get upset. So, why continue to do that to myself? I'm not going to. I will weigh myself at the doctor's office (they always do that! I turn my head every time). I think there are some changes that come from other things besides the number on the scale. The No-Number Victories. I think it will be beneficial to my psyche and my self esteem. It will help me focus on the other changes that happen.

The third challenge is all about reading. My goal is to read every night before I go to sleep. At least a little bit. Even if that is 2 pages before I fall asleep, I want to do this because it will allow my brain a chance to close out screens and electronics and give me a chance to wind down before bed. 

The fourth and final challenge I have been thinking about is less television. It's so easy to get caught up in a show and watch 4 hours of it before bed on a week night. Or to watch television while you eat dinner. But I don't like it that much. I don't have shows I need to watch on television on certain nights. I was Netflix. So I want to keep the television off three nights a week. I want to see how that goes. This will all Chris and I can make dinner together and play games and talk. That connection time, instead of always just being with one another, this will allow us to be present in our together time.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Sometimes You Need to Write.

There are always times when I feel as though I will just melt if I don't do something drastic. I get a feeling deep in my gut (gut instincts) that I need to do something. Whether that is try something completely new, wear new clothes, move to a new city, start looking for a new job. It is that feeling when you feel like there are a million things that have potential, and you have potential, and you need to do something or you won't be able to breathe.

I am feeling that right now.

I feel as though I can't breathe because I am stuck in the same place, in a routine that doesn't look like it will be changing any time soon. I have a job that is steady, I rent a home with my boyfriend, I have a cat, I have everything I could ever want. But I don't have anything to look forward to. There are little things here and there that I have to look forward to. A painting night with my girlfriends, Valentine's Day, a concert with my boyfriend in July, a friend's wedding in August, a friend's wedding in September. Several things to look forward to, but even with that, I am feel claustrophobic.

My entire life has been about looking forward to things:
Summer vacation
First Day of School
Spring Break
My Birthday
High School
Graduating From High School.
Starting College
Studying Abroad
Moving to Los Angeles
Moving Home
Finding a Job
Moving in with my Boyfriend
Getting a Pet
Buying a New Sofa

The list could go on and on...

But all of that has lead me to have this overwhelming need to have huge changes in my life. I know that there is a lot to be said about living in the moment, however! There is a lot to be said about living for a moment, an event. It gives you perspective on what you are working so hard for.

A friend of mine just bought a house with her fiance. And the thought of buying a house to settle down in makes me feel like I can't breathe.

Maybe I just have this overwhelming need constantly be changing.

There are these moments when I am feeling this way, and all I want to do is start a blog, read 1,000 books, walk 100 miles, and really just open myself up to all the opportunities that are out there. I hope someday I will accomplish all these things. There is a fire inside of me... but what is it burning for?

I don't know.

I think I need to turn to God and hope that He has some ideas to help me get through my life. I don't turn to him enough. But I want to. Church is really opening me up to all the possibilities that lie in my faith.

I don't want to be one of those people that moves all the time and can't commit to anything because I still want to hang a close group of friends and I still want to find my niche, a place where I know that I will be happy and won't feel claustrophobic. However, I have found it yet.