Sometimes You Need to Write.

There are always times when I feel as though I will just melt if I don't do something drastic. I get a feeling deep in my gut (gut instincts) that I need to do something. Whether that is try something completely new, wear new clothes, move to a new city, start looking for a new job. It is that feeling when you feel like there are a million things that have potential, and you have potential, and you need to do something or you won't be able to breathe.

I am feeling that right now.

I feel as though I can't breathe because I am stuck in the same place, in a routine that doesn't look like it will be changing any time soon. I have a job that is steady, I rent a home with my boyfriend, I have a cat, I have everything I could ever want. But I don't have anything to look forward to. There are little things here and there that I have to look forward to. A painting night with my girlfriends, Valentine's Day, a concert with my boyfriend in July, a friend's wedding in August, a friend's wedding in September. Several things to look forward to, but even with that, I am feel claustrophobic.

My entire life has been about looking forward to things:
Summer vacation
First Day of School
Christmas
Spring Break
My Birthday
High School
Graduating From High School.
Starting College
Studying Abroad
Graduation
Moving to Los Angeles
Moving Home
Finding a Job
Moving in with my Boyfriend
Getting a Pet
Buying a New Sofa

The list could go on and on...

But all of that has lead me to have this overwhelming need to have huge changes in my life. I know that there is a lot to be said about living in the moment, however! There is a lot to be said about living for a moment, an event. It gives you perspective on what you are working so hard for.

A friend of mine just bought a house with her fiance. And the thought of buying a house to settle down in makes me feel like I can't breathe.

Maybe I just have this overwhelming need constantly be changing.

There are these moments when I am feeling this way, and all I want to do is start a blog, read 1,000 books, walk 100 miles, and really just open myself up to all the opportunities that are out there. I hope someday I will accomplish all these things. There is a fire inside of me... but what is it burning for?

I don't know.

I think I need to turn to God and hope that He has some ideas to help me get through my life. I don't turn to him enough. But I want to. Church is really opening me up to all the possibilities that lie in my faith.

I don't want to be one of those people that moves all the time and can't commit to anything because I still want to hang a close group of friends and I still want to find my niche, a place where I know that I will be happy and won't feel claustrophobic. However, I have found it yet.

Blog Challenge: Day 30.

5 Things You Achieved in the Past Year

1. Found a job and career path that I love.

2. Moved in with my boyfriend.

3. Started this blog (talk about terrifying!) !!

4. Opened up to Friends and Families about my struggles with Diabetes.

5. Applied to take American Sign Language Classes at a local University.

My Type 1 Diabetes Breakdown.

I wanted to write a post about this because I am working on my journey, and it is something that will make it more of a challenge for me.

I don't want this to be a medical post, but more emotional and personal.

I was diagnosed with Diabetes on October 25, 2012. I had been feeling physically terrible and emotionally drained. I thought it was just because of some emotional hardships I was dealing with. I couldn't go an entire day without a two-hour nap, and resting or laying down most of the day. I was really sad and hard on myself because I didn't know what my problem was! I couldn't figure out my energy levels and what was making me feel so low. It was hard on my heart and self-esteem.

Looking back on it, I think I was struggling and fighting the battle with Diabetes for a few years before I was actually diagnosed. I was always thirsty and always using the bathroom, I was eating anything, and everything I wanted and maintaining my weight, my ankles were swelling, and when I got sick, I was sick for weeks! It all seemed, to me, to be a coincidence. I went to my family doctor and even saw a specialist for my ankles and I just couldn't get an answer. I was told that it was my age, the ankle swelling was lack of circulation.

So I suffered, and suffered. Well, in October, it got really bad. I was sick and sad and felt like I was slowing losing myself and my health. So I found a doctor in my area, a holistic doctor that had beautiful reviews. She was amazing on paper, I was sold, so I called and made an appointment.

The second I got there I felt better already. They took me back, the nurse had purple hair and tattoos! So the doctor came in and gave me a hug. Done. It was the best I had felt at a doctor in a long time. So she had my blood drawn, we talked about all my other problems and if I was struggling with anything else. Personal, medical, psychological, she wanted me to open up about everything so she could get a sense of me as a whole. I felt so good about going there and speaking to her and I almost felt healed when I left. She hugged me again and I cried knowing I had a doctor who wanted to know what was wrong as much as I did.

The next morning when they got the test results back from my blood, they called me right away and explained that there were some inconsistencies. So I walked over (Yes! I lived close enough to walk!) and they told me that they believed I was diabetic. My blood sugar was 346 (and at the time of the blood draw, I hadn't eaten since the night before)! I had an appointment with an Endocrinologist three days later, and I started the long journey of learning about insulin and carbs, sugars, and proteins. I have gone to see several endocronologists since diagnosis, and I struggle to find one that I like. This is still such an emotional journey for me, I know there are so many things that can go wrong, and it makes it overwhelming.

Now, I think I should get a little medical for a moment so this is better understood. Type I Diabetes is when your body, specifically your pancreas, doesn't produce any insulin at all. Some people are born with this, some people develop it over time, and some people are fine one day and not the next. It all depends. So many factors go into it. I developed it later than most. The older term is "Childhood Diabetes". This differs from Type II Diabetes, which happens later in life and is due to diet and food choices over time. It causes your pancreas to produce insulin irregularly, or only partially enough. Type II Diabetes can be reversed, and Type I Diabetes cannot.

As for blood sugar numbers. Normal people are between 70-120 when fasting, or haven't had anything to eat, and up to 180 when they have eaten. And that is what my blood sugar should be too. However, it takes a little more work than just my body. I have to inject myself four times a day, usually. Sometimes more, if my blood sugar is super high, or if I eat more than three times a day. That's all. The fourth injection is "long acting insulin". That is a different kind of insulin and partners with the short acting insulin to keep my blood sugars stable. Lows are bad, highs are bad, but like anything, it all takes a while to figure out and understand.

Since my diagnosis, I have gone through several stages of grief. It is hard to decide if I am glad that I got it later in life, or I wished I had gotten it sooner so it wouldn't all be so overwhelming. The grass is never greener on the other side. It may seem that way until you get there. 

I am learning every day about my internal struggles with it and gaining knowledge about my own body, how I react to foods, how my numbers change.

There is no secret to the fact that I am more mad than anything that I was cursed with this. I just know that I can either use it as a way to get myself healthy in all aspects, or I can use it as an excuse. I make it a mountain, or I can make it a speed bump. Part of this new year is learning more about my diabetes and focusing on that, rather than all the bad that is comes with. Quite honestly, if I am trying to be objective, it is hard, but it isn't the worst thing. There are so many things that people have to deal with Diabetes seems to be right in the middle: plenty of things in life are better to deal with than T1D, but there is a giant list of things that are so much worse than it too.

I am reclaiming my body, I am hoping to unearth some things about myself, and who knows! This could open doors for me within in the Diabetic community. Maybe this is actually a blessing to use to help everyone else? God works in mysterious ways.

If you have any questions or I need to clarify anything, let me know! I know this is a lot to throw at you. But I thought it was pertinent! I talk about it often, and its very much something I deal with and struggle with every day.

Blog Challenge: Day 7.

Five Recommended Reads (blogs, books, websites, etc.)

1.House of Rose is a blog that I recently started following. It was something that I stumbled across, searching from one blog to another. Similar to when you get stuck in YouTube and go from funny cat videos to how you use sand to clean your tires. I digress. I stumbled up her blog and I couldn't be more thankful that I did. She is an amazing woman and mom who writes in a way that is so relate-able. She is honest and humble with her daily struggles with motherhood and marriage. I instantly felt like I knew her when I started reading, and have been reading ever since.

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2. Room by Emma Donoghue is a book written from the perspective of a five year-old boy who lives in a room. He lives there with his mother and has never known anything else. This book is so different from any books that I have ever read, and when it was recommended to me I was hesitant. However, after reading just the first couple chapters, I was excited to continue. I was engrossed in the language that the author uses. This a heart wrenching book with some SERIOUSLY tough circumstances. I tortures you emotionally and all you want to do is give the characters a hug. I believe part of the reason I enjoyed it so much was because it was outside of my comfort zone. Because of this, I went in not knowing what to expect. The synopsis also didn't really explain much to me, so when I dove in head first, I couldn't put it down.

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3. Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner is the best book I have ever read. I read it while I was in High School and it engrossed me. I wanted to be an adult so I was trying to relate to older people, yet I was so inexperienced with life that some of the scenarios seemed more like fantasy. However, now being an adult, I know there is so much truth to many adult themes that are touched on in this book. Losing love, cruelty of strangers and friends, and the kindness of strangers, and relationships blooming in unlikely places. However, this is also a book that relies heavily on the theme that loving yourself is a long road, but everyone can achieve it. I recommend this book to everyone. I also am going to get it in hardback so I can read it time and time again.

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4. PostSecret is a website I was introduced to when I was 18 years old. A friend of mine, whom I met in college, had been reading PostSecret every Sunday since she was 14 years old. I looked it up, began to read, and have been hooked ever since. It was a project that a man started where he offered strangers a chance to send in their secrets anonymously. Every week he posts ten to twenty secrets from people all over the country and all over the world. It offers a beautiful place for you to read and send in your inner most thoughts in a safe space and helps you to relate to people form all over the world.

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5. tudiabetes: Diabetes Forum is a very recent find. And I couldn't be happier that I found it. It is a place where diabetics of all types can come together to make friends, ask for advice, read articles, and just search for support. I have two blog posts on my pages and emails from several people relating to my story, helping me cope, and answering my personal questions. I have really enjoyed it, and I can't wait to continue with it.

Blog Challenge: Day 6.

Five Random Acts of Kindness that Inspire You

1. My dad told me about a man he worked with. This was a gruff, grouchy, bold man who didn't shy away from an argument. He had three kids who had been begging him for a puppy for years. Finally he said, "We can get a dog. Not a puppy." The kids were ecstatic! So the family went to the animal shelter the weekend. They looked at all the dogs there, however, when it came time to choose one, this man went to a staff member and asked, "Which dog has been here the longest?" Taken back, the staffer took them to look at a sad dog. He looked at the dog, looked at his kids, turned to the staff member and said, "We'll take her!"

2. My coworker was sent a stack of coupons for free sub sandwiches from a local place. Instead of giving them to coworkers and friends, she took them to the homeless shelter and asked the staff to hand them to all the people who come through the homeless shelter.

3. My boyfriend had an all-nighter planned with his friends, so before he left for work (he leaves after me) he cleaned the kitchen, built a fire that was ready to light, and made me a salad for dinner. He did all of that because he loves me. Such a sweet and unexpected gesture.

4. My mom and I were walking around a small beach town, and an older woman was getting out of her car. Instead of walking by like so many people were doing, my mom stopped and asked her if she needed help. Simple as that. The woman was extremely appreciative, but declined the help. All she did was ask.

5. I was taking down the holiday decorations at my work yesterday, struggling to wrestle the artificial tree into its box, and so many coworkers snickered and made jokes, however no one offered to help. I have never put up or taken down an artificial tree before. One gentleman saw me struggling and swooped over to take charge and took the whole thing down, boxed it up, and delivered it to the basement.

Happy New Year!