North Carolina, Self-Worth, and Adoption on My Heart.

So, I wanted to get a little bit more candid with you all about some things that have been on my heart.

As you may know, or not know, I just recently found the church of my dreams. Having a church that I enjoy so much has pushed me to welcome and discover my faith a little bit more than I had been. When church is a place where you (meaning me) open up and cry each week because you are so moved, that means the Lord is speaking right to you, and you have to listen.

It's so important to grow in you faith. The Universe is a huge and amazing place. There is not way that there isn't something out there that is working towards a greater eternity for you. And this doesn't even have to be the religious kind of spirituality. It can simply be the faith you have in karma, coincidences, The Universe, the greater beyond, or whatever it is that you believe.

We all have a faith walk that we all need to pursue. Last night I watched a video on YouTube about this woman who owns a business and creates YouTube and blog content, and to top it all off, she travels the world with her husband and friends. The video was supposed to be about her clothes and travelling back to visit family, but she talked about something that really inspired me.

She spoke about how you always look and see people on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Blogs, etc. and you think, "Wow. They have a perfect life. They really have it together." Comments like this are ones that I find myself saying much more often that I like to admit. A pang of jealousy sneaks it's way into me, and I can't help but feel like I, somehow, can't compete with them. But there is no competition!

This person I am looking at and comparing myself to, they don't have any idea I am doing it. They are posting things about their life and doing their thing. They could be struggling with things that are so much worse than what you may be dealing with. No one is in the same situation as you, and the only person you are hurting by feeling resentful of someone else is you. You are dulling your own light by wishing you were more like someone else. 

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So, with all of this, I would like to get to the topic at hand. Something that has been on my heart for a while now, and something that I feel to be very important. Something that will be the basis of my life doing forward.

Since attending church, I have found this push by God to get some things handled. I have two things that have been very much on my heart lately. And by this, I just mean that I find myself thinking about them a lot, and I find that they come up often enough that I am not in a situation of coincidences.

One of those things is North Carolina. I have always been fascinated with The South, I think it's beautiful (well the pictures I have seen anyway)! It has a plethora of small towns to choose from. When this started sitting on my heart, I didn't think much about it. However, it has now been about three years since it first came into my realm of consciousness and I think it is something that I seriously need to research and consider. 

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The second item is adoption. I wrote on one of the blog challenge days about how I was to have zero children or four children. I really like kids, but I know that I would want a ton of them, or to be the aunt to all my friends' children. Finding out that I had Type 1 Diabetes changed the way that I looked at potentially having my own children, and it really has pushed me to consider other options besides having my own.

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I know there are a million ways that Type 1 Diabetics can have their own children. Diets, Insulin therapy, getting the pump to help with stabilization, and the list goes on. However, and this is where it is controversial to some people, but I don't want to put myself and my child through something that could permanently damage me or them. There are much higher risks involved with a Type 1 Diabetic pregnancy, and instead of the constant worry just to have my "own" child, I think adoption is the way to go for me. And, why not find a child that is in need of a family? There are so many out there.

Going to church moves me every week. I sit there and cry, and sometimes its to the point that I am sobbing. And because of that, I know there is something turning inside me, there is the Spirit moving through me. I am learning to listen to my heart, and not my head all the time. It's a hard thing to do. Like I spoke about before, it is so easy to get caught up in comparing myself to other people, however, what is important is what He thinks of me, and what I think of myself. No one else's opinions matter, no misconstrued images I have of myself matter. What matters is that I am happy and healthy and that I am following my dreams, And following the feelings of you intuition. 

Those feelings, and those reoccurring coincidences are there to tell you something. So listen up.

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Challenges in Place.

I have some challenges that I want to set for myself. It always makes things more fun when I am challenged, rather than doing things just for the sake of doing them. Sometimes when there isn't a challenge or motivation behind something, I let it fall to the way-side. There is a lot to be said about "The 30 Day Sugar Detox Challenge", "The 31-Day Blog Challenge", "52 Weeks to Organized Challenge".

This Blog Challenge really opened my eyes to the power of the challenge.

Also, any challenges I set for myself, I will document here which will hold me accountable.

It's just a fun way to work on myself while having that tiny extra kick to keep it going.

So! Without further ado:

The first challenge is I am going to set for myself is to walk on my lunch break at least 4 days a week. I used to walk ALL THE TIME before I was working full-time. I would walk at least two hours a day. It felt great, I slept better, I was much slimmer, I had some stamina. It really felt like I was doing something great for myself. Once I started working, I felt like I never had time. I would wake up at 5:30 am, get ready, go to work, get off at 5:00 pm, go home, have dinner, relax, go to bed. No time.... Except I have just as many hours in the day as every other person in the world. So I started to realize that I could easily go on a walk on my lunch. 45 minutes to an hour. Bring my tennis shoes and just walk around. It gets me out of the office, gets my movement and exercise in, and I'm already in work mode anyway. So I did that this week, to try it out, and I love it. It also gets me out of the office and helps me to clear my head. Plus! Bonus! I get to listen to my audio books which adds to the happy me. I would say this is all around a good challenge for my mind, body, and soul.

The second challenge I am going to set for myself is not stepping onto a scale until my birthday. My birthday is on June 8th. I will be 27 years old. I get so hung up on the number and if it isn't going down every day, I freak out and get upset. So, why continue to do that to myself? I'm not going to. I will weigh myself at the doctor's office (they always do that! I turn my head every time). I think there are some changes that come from other things besides the number on the scale. The No-Number Victories. I think it will be beneficial to my psyche and my self esteem. It will help me focus on the other changes that happen.

The third challenge is all about reading. My goal is to read every night before I go to sleep. At least a little bit. Even if that is 2 pages before I fall asleep, I want to do this because it will allow my brain a chance to close out screens and electronics and give me a chance to wind down before bed. 

The fourth and final challenge I have been thinking about is less television. It's so easy to get caught up in a show and watch 4 hours of it before bed on a week night. Or to watch television while you eat dinner. But I don't like it that much. I don't have shows I need to watch on television on certain nights. I was Netflix. So I want to keep the television off three nights a week. I want to see how that goes. This will all Chris and I can make dinner together and play games and talk. That connection time, instead of always just being with one another, this will allow us to be present in our together time.

Sometimes You Need to Write.

There are always times when I feel as though I will just melt if I don't do something drastic. I get a feeling deep in my gut (gut instincts) that I need to do something. Whether that is try something completely new, wear new clothes, move to a new city, start looking for a new job. It is that feeling when you feel like there are a million things that have potential, and you have potential, and you need to do something or you won't be able to breathe.

I am feeling that right now.

I feel as though I can't breathe because I am stuck in the same place, in a routine that doesn't look like it will be changing any time soon. I have a job that is steady, I rent a home with my boyfriend, I have a cat, I have everything I could ever want. But I don't have anything to look forward to. There are little things here and there that I have to look forward to. A painting night with my girlfriends, Valentine's Day, a concert with my boyfriend in July, a friend's wedding in August, a friend's wedding in September. Several things to look forward to, but even with that, I am feel claustrophobic.

My entire life has been about looking forward to things:
Summer vacation
First Day of School
Christmas
Spring Break
My Birthday
High School
Graduating From High School.
Starting College
Studying Abroad
Graduation
Moving to Los Angeles
Moving Home
Finding a Job
Moving in with my Boyfriend
Getting a Pet
Buying a New Sofa

The list could go on and on...

But all of that has lead me to have this overwhelming need to have huge changes in my life. I know that there is a lot to be said about living in the moment, however! There is a lot to be said about living for a moment, an event. It gives you perspective on what you are working so hard for.

A friend of mine just bought a house with her fiance. And the thought of buying a house to settle down in makes me feel like I can't breathe.

Maybe I just have this overwhelming need constantly be changing.

There are these moments when I am feeling this way, and all I want to do is start a blog, read 1,000 books, walk 100 miles, and really just open myself up to all the opportunities that are out there. I hope someday I will accomplish all these things. There is a fire inside of me... but what is it burning for?

I don't know.

I think I need to turn to God and hope that He has some ideas to help me get through my life. I don't turn to him enough. But I want to. Church is really opening me up to all the possibilities that lie in my faith.

I don't want to be one of those people that moves all the time and can't commit to anything because I still want to hang a close group of friends and I still want to find my niche, a place where I know that I will be happy and won't feel claustrophobic. However, I have found it yet.

Blog Challenge: Day 30.

5 Things You Achieved in the Past Year

1. Found a job and career path that I love.

2. Moved in with my boyfriend.

3. Started this blog (talk about terrifying!) !!

4. Opened up to Friends and Families about my struggles with Diabetes.

5. Applied to take American Sign Language Classes at a local University.

Blog Challenge: Day 28.

5 Pieces of Advice to Your Younger Self

1. Appreciate your body! 

You don't have to love it, but appreciate what you have.

2. It's okay to put yourself first sometimes.

It's not realistic to say always, but it is something that is okay every now and then.

3. Cherish the important family moments.

Put the phone down and watch television with your family.

4. Don't take advice from people who you don't hold in the highest regard.

Just because they are your friends, doesn't always mean they know best.

5. Change your major in college when you thought about it the first time.

Not that I am not happy with where I am, but having a major I am passionate about my have pushed me into a career a little sooner.

Blog Challenge: Day 22.

What Do You Miss (Person, place, thing or time in your life)

Something that has recently come up for me, is missing how things used to be. I have always been close with my family, extremely close, and because of that I was happy to live at home until I was 26 years old. This isn't something I am ashamed of, or something that I hide from people. I branched out, went to college, moved to Los Angeles for 8 months. However, I was never ready to live on my own because the relationship I had with my parents was so great.

I think there is a lot to be said about all the things that I have left to experience in my life. No one knows what is going to happen in the future, and I know that at some point in the coming years I will miss this moment. But that's part of life. We miss the things that are comfortable and familiar. The future is unknown, so when you think back to how things used to be, it is easy to get nostalgic.

I miss when my brother was little and how we used to play trains all day.

I miss when I used to go to school instead of work and always had something fun to talk about.

I miss my grandparents,

I miss liking things that didn't make me one type of person or another.

I miss summer vacation.

I miss my parent's old dog.

I miss not worrying about so many things.

I miss being a kid.