Lent Update and Ramblings.

Good morning!

Seems like all I ever do is ramble on this blog. However, because it's my blog, and I am so new to the game, I haven't found my rhythm yet. So I ramble...

Lent has been going on for 30 days. There are 17 days until Easter. I gave up sweets, alcohol, and Facebook for Lent because those are things that I use to hinder myself from other things that will grow me as a person.

Facebook has been the best one. I have decided that I CANNOT wait for Lent to be over because then I can delete my Facebook and move on with my life. I don't like it at all and I can't wait to do it. It was something I used out of boredom, as well as using it to look at other people with envy, and lust for their lives instead of living my own. It's going to be so wonderful. I cannot wait!

Alcohol is something that I hadn't had for quite a while before Lent started. It has never been a large part of my life, and quite honestly, I took Lent as a way to get out of drinking with my friends. It gives me a tangible reason as to why I don't want to drink. It allows me to use my religion and faith as a proper explanation as to not wanting to partake. I think I will continue this one after Lent. It is something that doesn't give me anything, it doesn't expand my heart or soul or mind or world. It just isn't something I am interested in. I would much rather have a piece of cake, than two cosmopolitans.

Speaking of cake! Let's talk about the finally item on my Lent List: sweets. I had two or three handfuls of M&M's on the Sunday Lent started, as well as a piece of homemade chocolate cake. It was the Academy Award Party, and I couldn't pass it up. However, after that, nothing has crossed my lips that I gave up. I decided to define sweets as anything you can have for dessert. Cookies, donuts, cake, candy, brownies, chocolate, etc. Things that I have used to satisfy my sweet tooth without breaking Lent: small (or LARGE) glass of chocolate milk, graham crackers and milk, YoPlait Banana Cream Pie yogurt, fruit. At a family birthday party, I had a coconut cup with raspberries and dark chocolate, however I decided that didn't count because it was mostly fruit, and I didn't like it so I hardly ate any of it (Sorry Kathy!). So, since I have been doing so well, I think I may just stick it out until my birthday and have my favorite cake in the entire world. And eat the entire cake by myself. The cravings have subsided drastically from what they used to be. I still want things, however, I don't NEED them. Its liberating to not worry about it all the time.

And because I AM diabetic, alcohol and sweets mess with my numbers so much! So it's just best to work towards not worrying about it. And I think I have made some wonderful progress.

That's all I got. I am working towards a new lap top, and I am hoping that if I work towards that, then I will be able to blog more, and better. At least I hope so.

xx

Writing a Book?

Hello Readers!

I haven't written in a while. Boo! And I have missed it. Asking for more responsibility at work means only one thing... You get it! And with that, comes a lot less down time, and exhaustion after work. The only things I have been doing consistently are going to bed early and watching Netflix. Beyond that, I can barely bring myself to want to go to Target after work. Which is weird, because I always, always go to Target. Like once or twice a week...

I digress. Motivation is something that seems to hit the most when you don't have the time to do anything, or, more specifically, the energy (Thank you Diabetes for taking all my energy). I am motivated by SO MUCH! There are so many things I want and would love to do! I just can't seem to grasp the 'thing' that will allow me to jump in head first.

Somethings that hold me back: fear of judgement, fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of lacking. These are the things that keep us all from doing what we wish we could do. What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? Let me write you a list! Fear, you suck! But you are also so real.

So I thought I would turn to the blog to ramble. And what do I love the most? Literature. I love reading. It is always my number one thing when asked what I like to do. I could read for 100 hours in a row and love every second. I have been known to lose sleep around a good book, and that's okay with me! I tends to be the one thing that I am willing to lose sleep over (much to my boyfriend's chagrin since he wants to watch movies and eat ice cream until 2am)! 

Well! I want to be the reason someone stays up late at night, the reason someone find courage in a horrible situation, the reason some one laughs out loud, or cries, or changes their goal in life because a book character did. I want to write a book!

Reading all the time, I have developed a little bit of knowledge about what works and what doesn't in a book. For example, if there isn't enough back story, the reader can't connect with the characters, however if there is too much back story, the readers can't connect with the story. How to achieve the perfect balance, not impossible, but not easy. I am not a writer. I love the idea of being a great writer, I love that so many people are good at it, and I really enjoyt that there isn't a limit to writing. You can create your own world, realm, universe and it is solely yours. I have my reality, I have my main character. However, I don't think I have enough yet to make a story. I am just getting to know her. We have only hung out a few times. But I can see us getting deeper and deeper as our relationship blooms.

So, I am hoping this is a great something that I can work towards. I have been in need of a new personal computer, so I believe that is something I will work towards. Right now, I only have my boyfriends desktop computer and I don't like it. He is so generous to let me use it, but it just doesn't feel like mine. I don't think he would snoop, or even cares what I do on there, but I would just feel more comfortable if it were mine.

Okay! Ramblings complete...

Blog Challenge: Day 30.

5 Things You Achieved in the Past Year

1. Found a job and career path that I love.

2. Moved in with my boyfriend.

3. Started this blog (talk about terrifying!) !!

4. Opened up to Friends and Families about my struggles with Diabetes.

5. Applied to take American Sign Language Classes at a local University.

Blog Challenge: Day 23.

5 People Who Inspire You

1. My mom.
2, My dad.
3. My brother.
4. My Godmother.
5. Myself.

Blog Challenge: Day 22.

What Do You Miss (Person, place, thing or time in your life)

Something that has recently come up for me, is missing how things used to be. I have always been close with my family, extremely close, and because of that I was happy to live at home until I was 26 years old. This isn't something I am ashamed of, or something that I hide from people. I branched out, went to college, moved to Los Angeles for 8 months. However, I was never ready to live on my own because the relationship I had with my parents was so great.

I think there is a lot to be said about all the things that I have left to experience in my life. No one knows what is going to happen in the future, and I know that at some point in the coming years I will miss this moment. But that's part of life. We miss the things that are comfortable and familiar. The future is unknown, so when you think back to how things used to be, it is easy to get nostalgic.

I miss when my brother was little and how we used to play trains all day.

I miss when I used to go to school instead of work and always had something fun to talk about.

I miss my grandparents,

I miss liking things that didn't make me one type of person or another.

I miss summer vacation.

I miss my parent's old dog.

I miss not worrying about so many things.

I miss being a kid.

My Type 1 Diabetes Breakdown.

I wanted to write a post about this because I am working on my journey, and it is something that will make it more of a challenge for me.

I don't want this to be a medical post, but more emotional and personal.

I was diagnosed with Diabetes on October 25, 2012. I had been feeling physically terrible and emotionally drained. I thought it was just because of some emotional hardships I was dealing with. I couldn't go an entire day without a two-hour nap, and resting or laying down most of the day. I was really sad and hard on myself because I didn't know what my problem was! I couldn't figure out my energy levels and what was making me feel so low. It was hard on my heart and self-esteem.

Looking back on it, I think I was struggling and fighting the battle with Diabetes for a few years before I was actually diagnosed. I was always thirsty and always using the bathroom, I was eating anything, and everything I wanted and maintaining my weight, my ankles were swelling, and when I got sick, I was sick for weeks! It all seemed, to me, to be a coincidence. I went to my family doctor and even saw a specialist for my ankles and I just couldn't get an answer. I was told that it was my age, the ankle swelling was lack of circulation.

So I suffered, and suffered. Well, in October, it got really bad. I was sick and sad and felt like I was slowing losing myself and my health. So I found a doctor in my area, a holistic doctor that had beautiful reviews. She was amazing on paper, I was sold, so I called and made an appointment.

The second I got there I felt better already. They took me back, the nurse had purple hair and tattoos! So the doctor came in and gave me a hug. Done. It was the best I had felt at a doctor in a long time. So she had my blood drawn, we talked about all my other problems and if I was struggling with anything else. Personal, medical, psychological, she wanted me to open up about everything so she could get a sense of me as a whole. I felt so good about going there and speaking to her and I almost felt healed when I left. She hugged me again and I cried knowing I had a doctor who wanted to know what was wrong as much as I did.

The next morning when they got the test results back from my blood, they called me right away and explained that there were some inconsistencies. So I walked over (Yes! I lived close enough to walk!) and they told me that they believed I was diabetic. My blood sugar was 346 (and at the time of the blood draw, I hadn't eaten since the night before)! I had an appointment with an Endocrinologist three days later, and I started the long journey of learning about insulin and carbs, sugars, and proteins. I have gone to see several endocronologists since diagnosis, and I struggle to find one that I like. This is still such an emotional journey for me, I know there are so many things that can go wrong, and it makes it overwhelming.

Now, I think I should get a little medical for a moment so this is better understood. Type I Diabetes is when your body, specifically your pancreas, doesn't produce any insulin at all. Some people are born with this, some people develop it over time, and some people are fine one day and not the next. It all depends. So many factors go into it. I developed it later than most. The older term is "Childhood Diabetes". This differs from Type II Diabetes, which happens later in life and is due to diet and food choices over time. It causes your pancreas to produce insulin irregularly, or only partially enough. Type II Diabetes can be reversed, and Type I Diabetes cannot.

As for blood sugar numbers. Normal people are between 70-120 when fasting, or haven't had anything to eat, and up to 180 when they have eaten. And that is what my blood sugar should be too. However, it takes a little more work than just my body. I have to inject myself four times a day, usually. Sometimes more, if my blood sugar is super high, or if I eat more than three times a day. That's all. The fourth injection is "long acting insulin". That is a different kind of insulin and partners with the short acting insulin to keep my blood sugars stable. Lows are bad, highs are bad, but like anything, it all takes a while to figure out and understand.

Since my diagnosis, I have gone through several stages of grief. It is hard to decide if I am glad that I got it later in life, or I wished I had gotten it sooner so it wouldn't all be so overwhelming. The grass is never greener on the other side. It may seem that way until you get there. 

I am learning every day about my internal struggles with it and gaining knowledge about my own body, how I react to foods, how my numbers change.

There is no secret to the fact that I am more mad than anything that I was cursed with this. I just know that I can either use it as a way to get myself healthy in all aspects, or I can use it as an excuse. I make it a mountain, or I can make it a speed bump. Part of this new year is learning more about my diabetes and focusing on that, rather than all the bad that is comes with. Quite honestly, if I am trying to be objective, it is hard, but it isn't the worst thing. There are so many things that people have to deal with Diabetes seems to be right in the middle: plenty of things in life are better to deal with than T1D, but there is a giant list of things that are so much worse than it too.

I am reclaiming my body, I am hoping to unearth some things about myself, and who knows! This could open doors for me within in the Diabetic community. Maybe this is actually a blessing to use to help everyone else? God works in mysterious ways.

If you have any questions or I need to clarify anything, let me know! I know this is a lot to throw at you. But I thought it was pertinent! I talk about it often, and its very much something I deal with and struggle with every day.

Blog Challenge: Day 10.

Dinner Party Wish List (Anyone dead, alive or fictional )

Marilyn Monroe

Merna Loy

Josh Groban

John Krasinski

Zac Brown

Gerard Butler

Gregory Peck

Emma Stone

Drew Barrymore

Mandy Moore

Kristen Bell

Dax Shepard

Jimmy Fallon

Jim Parsons

Ellen Degeneres

Portia de Rossi